Scary internet or I should not be allowed on WebMD

About a week ago my tongue started itching. I figured it was just a taste bud gone mad, so I did the usual Listerine (orange kind) swish a few times a day along with salt water swish at night. Tongue is still itching and now there are bumps. I of course thing worst and start researching on WebMD. I have ruled out quiet a few very nasty looking oral diseases. I had it narrowed down to strep throat and thrush. I called MomWunderNurse. She confirmed that it is most likely thrush, which she explained is a yeast imbalance or infection in mouth. She made me promise that Iwould not to go to drug store and get mono-stat to rub on tongue.

A 500 Post Tribute Song to the Author of Who Invented Roses

Note:  The tune that goes along with this is the Beverly Hillbillies Theme Song

 

Come listen to the story of an Evil Genius named Kath-er-ine,

A bra shopping wonder whose minions hid under her bed.

Who one fine day while on hopped up on some booze,

Pulled on her Crocs and decided she would move.

 

NOVA that is

 

Real Estate Gold

 

Closer to the Center of D.C.

 

Well the next thing you know, Katertot’s authored 500 posts,

She’s been linked by D.C. Blogger, who she loves the most.

Her friends say her blog has got a certain flair,

Especially the posts about traversing from here to there.

 

Metro that is

 

Crazy Taxis

 

And Big Slippery Hills.

 

It’s Who Invented Roses.

 

Y’all come back now, you here! 

Should I be Allowed to Play with Super Glue or I May Have Broken the Copier

Ok so you all know from previous posts that I have issues with my office equipment.  Well this past weekend was no exception to my torture by MF2 aka the copy machine.  I was already in a fabulously pissy mood after speaking with my accountant about the IRS and the circular pattern that is the woes of the self employed individual.  (I will probably post about that in a couple of weeks.  Anyway, so I was in a pissy mood already and I was working on a Saturday evening.  (that’s right my life is that lame most of the time.)  I had created a massive amount of original documents for filing in municipal court and needed to make only two copies of each document. 

I approached the copier with a stance of authority.  I was going to get my copies without taking crap from the copier.  I placed my originals in the feeder, selected 2 copies and pressed the pretty green button. The copier complied and started spitting out copies.  I made the mistake of walking away. 

After I was about 5 feet away I heard the sound that stops me dead in my tracks, the be-bo-be-bo of a copier issue.  The little orange light was flashing and I knew there were issues.  I looked at the display and the copier said “Error – Change Paper Cassette Size.”  I grumbled.  I hate this error.  I slid open the drawer and stared at the paper in the tray.  I couldn’t see why it wanted different sized paper.  So I closed the door and it started working again.  I was thinking about walking away and the copier and the alarm sounded again.  I went back, same stupid error.  I slid the door open again and closed it.  Problem solved.  I turned around and again an alarm.  So this time I opened the drawer and slammed it.  I know slamming drawer probably wouldn’t really fix issue.  Copier made a few more copies. 

Then, like the MF it is, the copier jammed, twice.  By this time I am really irritated, a 10 minute copy job has turned into a 40 minute copy job with lots of extra papers.  Finally, I was fed up enough that I decided to fiddle with the little blue block that holds the paper on letter size.  I attempted to bend the little plastic piece and um well I broke one of the prongs that held it in.  I put piece back in as best it would go, shut drawer and side of copier and finished copy job. 

I called my office supply guy on Monday to see if his outfit works on Canons.  He asked what happened.  I explained that I may have broke copier piece because of frustration with error.  He came and looked at it and suggested that since I don’t change paper size maybe I should super glue it in place.  I thought this was a good idea and am going to implement it. 

After the conversation about the copier the Office Supply Guy threatened to call me in to Equipment Protective Services.  I am now starting two special support group:  Electronics Violence Perpetrators Anonymous and Super Glue Victim Support.  Can someone please bring me solvent to get my hand off the copy tray? 

Supervillainess Application or What Alter Ego

 

A letter in reponse to “Wanted, Or and Adveritsment of Sorts”

 

 

1919 Incendiary Way

Insurgent, Ohio 45640

February 20, 2009

 

Super-villain Conglomerate

VIA Hand Delivery

 

Dearest Evil Genius:

 

I am writing to express interest in your current posting for evil henchwomen.  I am very interested in the eradication of the male species and possible intergalactic Cosmic Invasion of other worlds and dimensions.   The following is a brief overview of my super-villainess identity:

 

Name:  Blonde Bombshell

 

Specialties:  Explosives and demolition.  

 

Skills:  Can disable males with a smoldering look. 

 

Inventions:  Develops/designs one-of-a kind undergarments that perform such functions as shooting poisonous darts, expelling sleeping gases, and firing bullets.   Matching panties also serve as a flotation device in case of water landing or being dropped into a tank of ill tempered sea bass with lasers on their heads. 

 

Sidekick:  Red (will be part of team along with Blonde Bombshell)

           

Specialties:  Use of fire for mayhem and destruction. 

Skills:  Can disable males with a single snarky glare and can balance a check book. 

 

Inventions:  Exploding hair barrettes and teleportation camera.

 

Both Blonde Bombshell and Red possess a great quantity of knowledge about technological devices and sciences.   We also have sketchy morals and are very loyal.

 

Together Blonde Bombshell and Red have acquired funds from over 500 financial intuitions.  They have also pulled off such successful capers as Framing Rodger Rabbit and breaking up the Boy Bands to hiding Elvis (that’s right he’s alive and we have him) and causing the State of Florida to be overrun with “hanging chads.” 

 

Weaknesses/Kryptonite:  Reese’s Cups, Diet Coke, Spike (from Buffy) and Hottie Bailiffs. 

 

Mortal/Immortal Enemy:  Currently None

 

Blonde Bombshell and Red have no salary requirements as they are independently wealthy.  We are requesting employment for the sheer joy of doing evil things.  We wish to develop a larger skill base and believe that evil is more fun with a group.  We are team players who are capable of building nuclear weapons.   

 

In addition to this letter please note that today a new toy was delivered to one eDouch.  Said toy was created from a polymer compound developed by Blond Bombshell and Red to coat surfaces with a laxative effect itchy substance (patent pending)

 

Thank for your taking the time to consider our application.  See photos below for costume/appearance approval. 

 

Respectfully submitted:

            Blonde Bombshell and Red

 

Blonde Bombshell

 

 

 

Red

Comment about my Blog from a Friend

Yesterday a friend told me that I suck at updating my blog. 

I have three words in response

Yes I Do.

One of the Things I Hate About My Work

As you all may not be aware, I am really an attorney.  My practice consists of a few private pay clients and the rest are public defender clients.  What that means is that when someone is too poor to hire an attorney they have a chance at being appointed a free one. 

Most of the time I enjoy my public defender work.  The cases are not too hard and the stakes are not too high.  I don’t have to do that many trials, because my clients either confess or are caught on tape.  Generally the clients are really nice people, who have just gotten into a bad situation and need a hand.  However, every once in a while there is a (excuse my language) fucking ass munch, who has to be a prick and give the free attorney a hard time, even though their case is shit. 

I admit that there are weeks when I am out of the office for a few days and there is no one to answer the phone.  However, when I am out there is a message machine on which to leave a message and I call people back, when I get the time.  If clients don’t leave their name or a number in the message it is impossible to call them back. 

Today I have been in the office all day.  Working on the public defender (pd) client paperwork, returning calls and other such office things.  Everything was going well and a couple of clients dropped in.  While I was dealing with these clients the phone rang.  The number came up private and I didn’t want to interrupt my client meeting so I let it go to voice mail.  And cue me getting hacked off. 

On the voice mail there was a male caller, who didn’t identify himself and blocked his number.  He decided to tell me that I never answer the phone and that I am a shitty attorney.  Being the coward that this MFer was he then decided to try and make it personal.  He advised that I needed to lose weight, to get a new hair style and stop kissing the Judge’s ass.   I tried to catch the call before it hung up, but was unable to. 

At first I was pissed off.  Then, I cried.  I hate when the mean people in this world shake me up.  I hate the mean clients. 

My BFF D’s Kids Amaze and Amuse Me.

My BFF-D has two children, namely:

Gman (Age 6 and a pretty stocky boy) and

PrincessK (Age 4 and still wears 2T-3T). 

 

Here is how one of their recent mental/physical battles panned out.

 

On New Year’s Eve D had a party at her residence.  After the ball dropped and everyone went home left in the living room was Gman, PrincessK, and Haircut (D’s boyfriend).

 

PrincessK went upstairs and got her princess pillow and blanket, and huge bunny rabbit.  She came down to the living room and went towards the couch.  Gman swooped in and took said blanket and pillow and took over couch.  PrincessK was not having this.  She tried to negotiate with Gman to get her pillow, blanket and couch to no avail.  So then she climbs up on top of him on the couch and is wallowing him.  Being ever so helpful, I suggested she sit on his head.  She does so and manages to get blanket.

 

Gman rallies and takes back blanket and moves to the other end of the couch.  PrincessK climbs up on him and onto his head.  Then we hear a noise.  Haircut and I look at each other and he says “Did I hear what I think I heard?”  I looked at innocent PrincessK and asked “Did you just toot on his head?!?” and she looks up with her little impish grin and says “Yeah.” 

 

She got her pillow, blanket, and the couch.

Song Lyrics I Have Misheard – Vol. 1

Sometimes my ears deceive me.  I am going to post it for your benefit.

 

Artist:  Adele

Song:  Chasing Pavements (keep in mind I didn’t know the name of the song at the time)

 

Actual Lyric:  “Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements, Even if it leads nowhere?”

 

What I heard (incorrect words in red):  “Should I give up or should I just keep chasing penguins, Even if they lead nowhere?”

 

Commentary:  I instinctively knew the penguins was not probably correct.  I often wondered where the singer was to chase penguins and how fast the penguins were moving.  Further, I knew it didn’t really fit into the context of the song.  But it really sounded like she said penguins.

My Family – they mean well.

While cleaning my apartment during the latest dating phase I came to the point where I can actually talk and blog about the following story and think it is humorous.

A year ago this past November (or November 2007) I moved from a two story house with a basement into a 600 square foot apartment.  I took as much stuff with me as possible and some of the bigger items went into storage in my mom and dad’s garage.  Also during that time I had a basset hound.

Fast forward to May of 2008.  A few of my girlfriends and I took a much needed vacation to Florida.  At this time I still had not unpacked or sorted my previous life.  I just couldn’t do it.  Also during that time my prior law firm broke up and I had to start a new business.  Needless to say I was not really stable enough to unpack boxes.

Anyway, I came home from vacation.  I unlocked my apartment and thought I had been robbed.  I had left things on the porch (like a broken big screen t.v. and my friend c’s percolator I was supposed to return)  and all the things on the porch were gone.  I cautiously went into my apartment and there were several boxes I had left by the door missing and there was this strange empty echo.  At this point I was sure I had been robbed, however my new big flat t.v. and my old school x-box were still there. 

At this point I am unsure of what has happened, but I am figuring it was a drive by cleaning.  So I wander into the two other rooms in the apartment and find that the boxes have been unpacked and sorted.  I notice that much of my several size wardrobe is missing and that  I now only have one pillow on my bed.  I now know to call my mom and see what the hell happened while I was gone. 

Apparently while I was on vacation my parents conspired with my sister to clean my apartment.  How did they get in you ask?  Well because some dumbass, who locked herself out frequently, left a key under the door mat that her mother knew about.  So while I was gone on my vacation from my life, my life got sorted.  Some of it was thrown out and a bunch of it was taken to Good Will. 

At first I was pretty bitter about this invasion into my privacy, cause I had some things that my family probably can’t handle knowing about.  (that’s right they found my b.o.b. stash – I confirmed this later with my sister)  But now, eight months later, I know that if they hadn’t unpacked me it would have never gotten done. 

Wine of the Weekend 2

It has been sometime since I have had anything to post under this heading.  In order to be more accurate I have found a web site with actual wine terminology.  It is here:  Wine terms. 

This one will be classified as starting out Pétillant, Full, and Sweet; however after a few weeks tends to turn common bordering on insipid and flabby.

I started dating a guy the Friday before Christmas.  We went out on one date and then he came to my place last Sunday (the Sunday before the week containing New Years).  The first date was amazing and he was such a sweet guy.  I really liked him.  We continued to talk on the phone a few times and then he canceled one date on me.  Then he came to see me at my place and we had fun with that.  However, even though he was fun, I ended up only having lukewarm feelings for him.   I would have liked to see him a little more, however he decided to call it off to move to Florida and get on with his life.

As I have every other year, I began 2009 single.  However, I know I am not alone.